Ugly Bug Ball describes itself as a website for the “aesthetically average”. It has members in a variety of different countries and of many different ages (all 18+ so far as I know). I want to make it clear that I did not get a chance to try out all the issues of the website due to money issues, so you’re going to want to take this review with a grain of salt. Now, without further ado, here are the pros and cons…
Pros
- It’s easy and fast to register and you can start browsing profiles immediately, even before starting your profile
- The members are not especially young (18-19) or old (50+)
- There’s an interesting feature, I believe it’s called “diary” which lets you post statuses like on Facebook, but you are able to control which members can see them
- I made a pretty basic profile (took maybe 20 minutes) and got 2 messages within 24 hours
- Website was easy to navigate and was nice looking (not too plain, but not too much clutter)
- Website had some good features and allowed you to search through its members with many different parameters
Cons
- It’s expensive to unlock all the features, $30/month and a discounted rate if you pay for more months at a time
- If you don’t pay to upgrade you can’t read messages or send them
- A surprising number of members, from what I saw, were focused on looks (I was looking at the 20-25 range in my area so this might not be true for all ages in all areas)
- Most of the users didn’t have correct grammar or spelling in their profile (more of a pet peeve of mine, may not be a big issue for you)
- Many of the users were in the 30+ range, from what I could see (I was only looking at ones around me)
- Profiles aren’t all that detailed (can be a positive or a negative depending on your point of view
My biggest problem with this site is the price tag. I think that they have an interesting concept and that there’s definitely a demand for this kind of site, but the price tag is a pretty big factor against them in my opinion. The site is still somewhat new so it’s possible that this could change in the future, but for now it’s a little on the expensive side. They claim that their price is lower than most other sites, but my experience leads me to disagree, although I don’t have any statistics to give at the current time. But if you’re willing to shell out the cash then feel free to go for it. I’d be interested to hear what you think.
That’s all I’ve got for today. Come back on Saturday to read my tips for first dates!
Being able to handle rejection is one of the most important skills you’ll need to survive in the dating world. It’s a simple fact that everyone has been or will be rejected at some point in their lives. This is especially true for online dating. Generally speaking, the number of men on dating websites greatly outnumber the number of available women. What this means is that for every 10 women a man messages he will probably only get 2-3 responses (this is just an approximation, some people may see more or less). While you would think that means women are better boat, that’s not exactly the case. See women may get many more messages than guys do, but not necessarily from the kind of guys they want. So whether you’re a man or a woman, straight or gay, you have to be able to handle rejection.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but the best dating advice I ever got came from my dad when I was in middle school. At the time I was upset because there was a girl I had a crush on and I finally managed to work up the courage to ask her to a school dance. But when I asked her she gave me a list (looking back on it I’d say it was a pretty impressive list) of things she’d rather do. As you can probably guess most of these things were very unpleasant. And being the young emotional kid I was I was devastated. So later that night when my dad came home I talked to him about what happened he told me it was her loss. You know, the usual parent stuff. I didn’t realize it at the time but that was actually the best advice I ever got about dating.
You see whenever I was rejected, whether it was online or in the real world, I used to get worked up over it like I did when I was a kid. And I eventually remembered what my dad told me when I was a kid, how it was their loss. Now around this time I began the process of ridding myself of my social anxiety, part of which involved improving my confidence. As I improved my confidence I naturally started to value myself more. And eventually I actually started to believe that when I was rejected it was the other person who was missing out. And when I approached women I didn’t go into it with the attitude that I was looking for a date with them or that I wanted to get to know them. I went into it with the attitude that I was giving them an opportunity for a date with me, a chance to get to know me, but that I could still take that chance away if I changed my mind. This change had some really drastic results.
To start with, I was much more successful when approaching women. I went into it with confidence and they found that attractive. I wasn’t afraid of looking like an idiot or saying the wrong thing so everything I did was more natural and I was better able to show them who I was. This was true both in person and online. Before I got 2-3 responses for every 10 messages I sent and maybe 1 date from those 2-3 who responded. But after this change I never failed to get fewer than 5-6 responses per 10 messages and I almost always got a date when I decided I wanted it. And when I did get rejected I didn’t really care. I moved on and forgot about it. I knew that I was an incredible person and if they didn’t get to know that or realize that then that was fine. So that’s the secret to handling rejection. You have to honestly believe that when you’re rejected it’s the other person who’s missing out. It’s not an immediate process, but it’s worth the effort.
Before I leave I’d just like the clarify one point. What I’m saying is that you want to be confident, not a jerk. If they reject you, they reject you. You move on. Just because it’s their loss that doesn’t mean you point it out to them, you make fun of them or anything. You just drop it.
That’s all I’ve got for today. Come back on Tuesday to read my review of another website!
So today’s post was inspired partly from a conversation I had with some friends a few years ago. I’ll be explaining why everyone who complains that they can’t get a date because they’re a nice guy is full of it.
For those of you who don’t know, a nice guy is a guy who is kind and does a lot of favors for other people and constantly puts the needs of others before those of his own. Essentially he’s passive, a beta. Now I’m not saying that there’s necessarily anything wrong with this, I’m just going to be debunking some myths around this concept.
First, some background. So a few years ago I had a friend, we’ll call him Greg, who was a few years older than me. One night while we were hanging out with some of our friends he started to talk about what he called the sandbox theory. I’m not going to bore you with the details, but it basically meant that women aren’t interested in guys who are really nice and are always there for them, but want the guy who’s a jerk. At the time I was young and inexperienced and inclined to agree with Greg. But now I’m much more experienced and I have a different view on this issue. My perspective is that it’s not that girls only want guys who are jerks, but that the nice guys don’t usually interest them.
So why don’t the nice guys interest them? Well as I’ve said many times before people like a challenge. When you have someone who is too clearly available to you and is much more attracted to you than you are to them it’s a bit of a buzz kill. There isn’t really any fun in going after them because you know that you can have them if you snap your fingers. Now someone who may be somewhat interested in you is much more appealing. You could say that it’s because we want what we can’t have, but I wouldn’t agree with that completely. It’s not so much that we want what we can’t have but that when someone isn’t really attracted to us but we are attracted to them it makes them more appealing because we want to prove ourselves to be deserving of their attention or attraction. With someone who initially has that attraction towards us on the other hand we don’t have to prove that we’re deserving of that attraction, which makes their feelings towards us less interesting and makes them less attractive.
I should clarify here that I’m not saying that a girl will be more attracted towards a guy who shows 0 attraction towards her than a guy who indicates his interest and asks her out, just that a guy who shows he has some interest will be more attractive than someone who’s prepared to beg for the date. The first of these 2 can be attractive. If he’s confidant and somewhat aloof it shows that he’s interested but that if she says no then he’s not going to be all that upset. This is a healthy approach for him and it’s a way of approaching her that she will find attractive. However, the second guy will be very upset if he’s rejected and will be perceived as being desperate and potentially creepy. Yet all too often when the second guy is rejected he is going to be the one who goes and complains about how he’s such a nice a nice guy and puts in all this effort to be nice to women but no woman ever repays him by going out with him. It’s important to note that, in this context, this guy is not a nice guy. He’s acting like one because he thinks that it will get him a date, but if you’re only being nice because you think it’ll get women to go out with you or to sleep with you then you’re not really a nice guy.
So is there anything wrong with being a nice guy? Not necessarily. It’s great to be kind to others, but you shouldn’t always put the needs of others or their expectations or desires before your own. By all means do kind things for other people, but you shouldn’t be bending over backwards to accommodate other people in your life. If you have a date with a woman and she asks for a time that’s not really good for you then say so. You are just as much of a person as she is and your needs and desires deserve to be accommodated just as much as hers do. If you feel like you have this tendency to be too much of a nice guy then I would recommend that you do some research on what a nice guy is. And if you find that you really fit the profile then you should look into reading “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover. He’s a good doctor and he’s a good author. Even if you’re a woman and would be interested in learning more about nice guys I’d recommend that you read this book. It’s a very interesting read.
Well that’s all I’ve got for today. Feel free to comment or email me. Come back on Saturday for my next post! I don’t know what it’ll be on yet, but I’ve got some good ideas!
Hey guys! Sorry it’s been a while, I have midterms this week and I’ve been completely swamped. I haven’t gotten the final version of the guest post yet, so I’m just going to go ahead with what I was going to talk about next and we’ll go back to it.
So a while back I wrote a post about how to approach women and said that I was going to do one on how to approach men. Well here it is. As a side note, this is based on my preferences as a man and my girlfriend’s experience (she has asked to be referred to as Jen from now on) with online dating so feel free to disagree, but I ask that you take the time to consider what we have to say.
So the first question is whether or not women should even approach men online (mean they message him first). My perspective is that they should. I’ve had several women message me first and I always thought that it was a good sign. It made me feel good because I wasn’t the one who had to do all the work to get things started for once, and I always thought a woman with some confidence was kind of sexy. Jen’s experience is that this can backfire. Some men don’t like a woman who is too forward. But her experience online is that most of the guys online don’t mind when a woman approaches them first so long as it’s done right.
There are right and wrong ways to approach men. The wrong way is to express no interest or too much interest. For example, just looking at their profile once and hoping they message is not enough. Looking at it multiple times is not much better, in my opinion, but Jen says that if you look at it enough he’ll get the message. Where we both agree is expressing too much interest. Men are not all that interested in pursuing a real relationship with someone who’s just too available. People like the idea of knowing that someone else is attracted to them, but they’re not interested in someone who will be theirs if they just snap their fingers. So the general guidelines for men on how to approach women apply to you as well. Don’t send overly long messages. Don’t save or favorite their profile without talking to them first. Be casual. Send them a short message or a wink, or something similar. Be a little forward and express you have some interest in them. A simple message like “You’re cute. My name is X. What’s yours?” is plenty.
Because women, in American society at least, are not really expected to do much of the courting (I really love that word) you can get away with being less forward. But you don’t want to simply wait for him to come to you. Go out there. Express your interest, but keep it casual. And Jen has agreed to answer any questions you might have if you’d like to send them to her. Just include “Question for Jen” in the subject.
That’s all I’ve got for today everyone! Come back on Thursday to read about whether nice guys really finish last!
Still waiting for the guest post everyone! Sorry I didn’t post earlier, this weekend has been really crazy for me. If I haven’t gotten it by tomorrow then I’ll put up the next post I was planning on doing and we’ll just keep going until we get it.
One of the most common criticisms of online dating that I’ve heard is the presence of creepers. While they represent a small minority of people, the idea of encountering one is a scary thought. While I hope that none of you will ever have to deal with one, I want you to all be prepared on what to do. So I’m going to be doing a 2 part series on creepers. As a side note, I just want to say that everything posted below is simply based on my experience and observations. You are free to disagree if you feel so inclined.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a creeper is like a stalker. They are usually people who send creepy messages online (this can be through dating websites or social media websites like Reddit or Facebook). While most people might not be considered creepers there are things they do that can be interpreted as creepy. So today I’m going to tell you about some of the things you do that can be interpreted as creepy, this is not only so that you will know how to recognize a creeper, but also so that you will know what things you do that other people may consider creepy.
1) Mentioning how someone is “hot”, “f*ckable”, etc right away. This is usually considered to be a red flag. I’ve mentioned before how I feel about referencing someone’s looks in the first message (see Approaching Women) and I stand by what I said before. I’m generally against mentioning someone’s looks in any way in the first few messages at least. This is especially true for words or phrases like hot or f*ckable, which are not generally considered by the people receiving them to be compliments.
2) Talking about loving them or being extremely attracted to someone right off the bat. This is not to be confused with a joke (lines like “Do you have a second heart, because mine seems to have been stolen” are somewhat different). What I mean here is when you say that you are in love, could love, or are extremely attracted to someone right off the bat or very early on. It might seem sweet, or you might mean it to be, but that’s just not how people see it.
3) Overuse of emoticons and “lol”. This is something that is somewhat debatable (my girlfriend and I disagree over what exactly constitutes overuse) but generally speaking guys don’t use these as often as girls do. So guys who do use them often are seen as being creepy. I’ve used them occasionally to show that I’m joking, but I can still probably count on one hand all the times I’ve used either one. Girls have a bit more leeway with these, but the ones who use them constantly are seen to be a little on the creepy side (or at least annoying).
4) Trying too hard to please. This is something that a lot of people see as being creepy. It’s one thing to have a lot in common with someone, but at a certain point there will be some differences. One way to avoid giving someone the impression that you like all of the same things as them is to occasionally state your opinion or preferences first. So you might say “I’ve recently gotten really into rock music. What kind of music do you like?” or something similar.
5) Overly long messages. There isn’t a problem with writing long messages, you just don’t want to start with them. Let them build up naturally. Ask questions, answer them, and keep an exchange going. If they get long over time then that’s fine, but if you send someone a short novel right away or receive one from someone else that that’s usually a warning sign (it comes across as being too interested, you should be going for interested but aloof).
Well that’s all I’ve got for now everyone. Come back for my next post, which will be a guest post from the author of http://onlinedatingjournal.wordpress.com/ who will be talking to you about how to deal with creepers!
Now I know that I said I was going to be doing a post on creeping today, part 1 of a 2 part series, but I’m in the process of trying to arrange of a guest blogger for one of those parts so I will be holding off on that for a little while longer. In the meantime I have 2 new websites I have heard about that I have reviews on for you guys!
The first is a site called CrazyBlindDate.com. This is a site that is brought to us by the same people who run OkCupid. The concept is actually pretty simple. Rather than sifting through many profiles in order to find someone that you’re attracted to, the site uses OkCupid’s patented algorithm’s to help you find people you’d like and arrange 20 minute blind dates with them in public places. The site provides scrambled pictures of the person you’ll be meeting, so you don’t know what they look like. We’ll start with the pros. First of all you’ll spend more time dating and less time sitting around combing through different people’s profiles. In addition, it’s free to use and the website only allows communication between you 2 after the date if you both indicate that you’re interested in seeing each other again (my guess is by then exchanging your emails or something). But there are a few (I think) serious flaws with this website. First, while free to use, it seems hard to really get the most out of it without paying for the currency, “kudos”, which is used to rate your date. Users have said that while the “kudos” are cheap, $1 a piece, if you don’t buy them you become less likely to see people you’ll actually like. Furthermore, while the site scrambles pictures of its users but there exist a number of programs available which will unscramble these pictures for you (Forbes has an article on this site which has links to some of these programs) and some people may be uncomfortable with going out on a blind date, even if it is short and in public. I think that the idea is interesting and I would probably try it out if I was able, but I wouldn’t recommend it to everyone I know based on what I’ve heard about it.
The second site I want to talk about is actually a request from one of you, a user of the website Reddit by the name of blue1492 (This is his profile name, not his real name). For those of you who haven’t heard of the website Reddit, it’s a website where people post different kinds of pictures and content and people vote on whether or not they like it and can leave comments. It’s a great way to kill time if you’d like to check it out. Blue has asked me to write a review of a subreddit, a part of reddit dedicated to a particular subject, called r4r (the url is http://www.reddit.com/r4r) which is designed to help users find someone, in real life or online, for anything from talking for an hour to a relationship. How it works is users post a short description of who they are and what they are looking for and people will respond or send them messages from anywhere around the world. There are also sections of this website that are focused on just people in specific areas (like Melbourne, New York City, and Philadelphia). I never tried this website out, but from what I saw when I checked it out over the past few days, it is predominantly men seeking women. The posts that were by women typically had many replies, from what I could tell, and those by men had fewer. It’s good if you’re not just looking for a relationship, maybe you’re stuck in the airport and you’re bored or you’re feeling lonely and would like to find someone to cheer you up. There appear to be a number of successful stories of people who have met their significant others on this site, but from what I saw it is a small number compared to the number of posts there are. This could mean that many people don’t have any luck there, or just that they don’t post their success stories. Take it for what you will.
Come back on Thursday for my next post. Hopefully I will start part 1 of my creeper series, but if not I promise that I will have something else that is just as good, if not better, for you guys. Also, there were a few people who tried to comment but were unable to, but I have changed the comment setting so that should help. If you’re still unable to comment please let me know!
As promised, here’s post number 2!
For those of you are unfamiliar with the friendzone, it’s basically when you’re interested in dating someone who just likes you as a friend. For those of you who are more familiar with the term, you’re probably aware that it usually carries a negative connotation, and is often accompanied by a bitter tone. I want to start off by saying that if you’re one of those people, then cut it out. I know that it sucks, we’ve all been there, but you need to cut the crap. Complaining won’t make it any better. What you need to do is move on and try to focus on the positive, you’ve got a new friend. And you know what? Guys know other guys, and girls know other girls. Your friend may not be interested in you, but they can give you access to other people who would be if they knew you. On top of that, you’ve got yourself a new friend. So what you do is take some time to get over your feelings and then hang out with them. Be friends. Do stuff together. This is all part of that getting out there and doing interesting things stuff I talked about before.
Now I know that it’s hard to deal with being attracted to someone who doesn’t like you back, but you’ve got to suck it up and deal with it. One way I’ve dealt with it in the past that works great for me is to adopt the attitude that when I approach someone I’m not trying to get a date with them or trying to get to know them, I’m giving them a chance to date me or get to know me. Because I’m an awesome guy and I do interesting things. And if they don’t want to take that chance, then oh well. Of course you don’t want to take this to the extreme and see yourself as being the best, you just want to be more confidant. This is how you deal with the friendzone.
As for putting other people in the friendzone, it’s a little different. When you think of someone as just a friend and then they confess to being attracted to you it makes things awkward. It puts you in this situation where you don’t want to lose your friend, but you feel like no matter what you do you’re screwed. If you say sure and go out with them anyway, you don’t see it ending well. If you say no you’ll hurt them and they won’t be your friend anymore. The best advice I have for you is to try to be their friend, let them down gently and then give them some time. Wait a week or so before contacting them again. If you sincerely want to stay friends then you’ve got to slowly build up to that point as they recover. And you need to accept the fact that you may never really be friends. It sucks, but that’s life. You’ve got to just go with it.
I’m sure that some of you are wondering what this all has to do with online dating. Well here’s the deal, not everyone you meet online will want to date you. Not all of them will completely reject you though. Some will want to be friends. So now you’ve been friendzoned. But take the advice I gave above, deal with being shot down and deal with it. Be friends. You contacted them for a reason, so there’s got to be some thing you like about them in the first place.
And sometimes you’ll be on the other side, you’ll be contacted by people you’re not really interested in. It’s the same deal, go with the advice I gave above. However, there is one little change for you. You just met this person for the first time, so you don’t have to wait a week or so before trying to contact them. Just treat them as you would any new friend. This is assuming that you actually want to be friends with them. If you don’t want to date them and you don’t want to be friends with them, then don’t. You have no obligation to give them anything.
Well that’s all I’ve got today, everyone. As always, feel free to email me or comment below. Some of you have emailed me about the comments, the system was being a little weird, but I changed the settings so it should work without a problem now. Come back on Tuesday for part 1 of 2 on creepers.
To start, there were over 100 views on Thursday and Friday! So to celebrate I’m going to giving you two posts today! As promised, the first will be on how to get a date. This will actually apply to everyone, not just men.
Obviously if you’re interested in someone you want to go on a date with them, but the first question you might have is when you should ask. I’ve said before that your first few messages should be about getting to know each other, and that’s true. You should ask them out on a date right away, most people will consider that a little creepy. Here’s a good rule of thumb that’s always worked for me: if you’ve been messaging back and forth (assuming 1 message a piece) for more than a week you can ask them out. If it’s been 2 weeks then you should. Now if you live a long ways from each other that can complicate things, but use your best judgment. I’m not going to go into great depth as to why I chose these numbers, it’s pretty simple. People are worried that you’re not who you say you are. If you don’t get why that led me to chose these numbers feel free to ask, but I’m going to take this time to go into some other issues.
1) Don’t choose a place where you two will be alone, like someone’s room. Go for somewhere more public, a restaurant, a park, a coffee shop, etc. This is for your safety and theirs. Just because most people aren’t crazy or out to get you that doesn’t mean you might not be talking to someone who is. So, for the first 1 or 2 dates at least, stick to public places. Plus, this will help them feel more comfortable going out with you.
2) If they ask to reschedule, don’t bend over backwards for them. If they want a time that’s not good for you or that you don’t really like, don’t make it work for them, say it’s not good for you and suggest an alternative. But if you actually make the date and they keep breaking it for whatever reason you’ve got a different issue and should see number 3.
3) If they keep breaking your date (not feeling well, got a lot of work, so and so’s sick) you need to understand they may be trying to avoid going out with you. If it happens once, then it’s no big deal. But if it happens 2-3 times I will usually confront them and, calmly (if it’s over the phone I’ll use a very peaceful tone of voice), say something like “I know a lot of people are afraid of hurting other people’s feelings or don’t like confrontation and will break dates rather than telling someone they don’t want to go out with them. It’s fine if you’re not interested, I won’t be upset, but if that’s what’s going on here I’d rather you just tell me. I usually give them 3 tries, but I know some people who say twice is the limit. Please feel free to comment with your own input.
4) Try to switch from messaging on the website to a different form of communication. I recommend sharing phone numbers, but email, skype, facebook, etc all work too. Go with whatever makes you feel comfortable. I’m not big on facebook or skype, but I always I have my phone with me so I go for the number, but it doesn’t really matter which one you get. If you’re dealing with someone who is really shy or seems a little unsure then you may want to wait until after the first date to go for this.
Well that’s all I’ve got for now. Check back later for a post on the friendzone and on Tuesday for part 1 of 2 on creepers.
In honor of Valentine’s Day I decided that today I was going to write a post on how to find that perfect someone. I’m sure that many of you have heard before that if you keep looking you’ll eventually find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. And I’m sure that many of you, like I was, got real sick of it after a while. I don’t think that this is entirely true, but I don’t think it’s entirely wrong either. The way I see it is that you need to keep looking, but you can’t keep looking for your ideal fantasy. You all know what I’m talking about, that person you dream about finding who will so different from everyone else you’ve ever met. Mine was going to be a brunette, she was going to have glasses, be smart, funny, a bit of nerd. Moderately good looking, love music, food, and books. And to top it all off, she’d be a little kinky. But the reality is that this person we’ve imagined isn’t real. I’ve met many women who have some of these characteristics, but none who had them all exactly as I imagined them. And the truth is that it’s because I had this perfect woman in my head that I was miserable.
I’m not saying that it’s bad to know what you want, but to have it all planned out like I did was no good. Because when I was thinking about dating someone I wasn’t thinking about whether I’d like that woman, but whether she was everything I wanted in a woman. And the fact that I was never able to find a woman exactly like I wanted was making me miserable. Eventually a friend, we’ll call her M, helped me realize that I was never going to find this woman. She made me realize that the more I looked for this woman the more detailed my fantasy got and the less likely it became that I would ever find this person. This led me to realize that if I really wanted to be happy, what I needed to do was let go of the fantasy and just people who seemed interesting and attractive, and not necessarily someone I wanted a long-term relationship with.
Once I started doing this I was much happier. And to top it off, when I started going out with women that I’d previously written off because they weren’t my perfect woman I discovered things about them that made them much more amazing than I had thought. And I never would have had that opportunity if I had just kept hunting for someone who was my perfect woman in every way. So what I’m saying is that you need to get out there and just go for people who seem interesting. Maybe things will work out, and maybe they won’t. Maybe you’ll end up hating them and maybe you’ll end up being best friends. You can’t tell, but if you don’t get out there and just date people you’ll never know. It’s hard to let go of your ideal mate, but if you can’t learn to let go and just get yourself out there, you’ll never really be happy.
Well that’s all I’ve got today everyone. I hope you all have a happy Valentine’s Day! Come back on Saturday to find out how to get the date!
Fireside Ramblings 